Mean Mommy

Firedaddy has been out of town for the past few days on a business trip. He actually got stranded in Toronto due to the bad weather that caused another plane to crash yesterday (thankfully, everbody on board survived).

The fact the he was out of town is not especially interesting, because he travels from time to time. But this time has been, how shall I say it - STRESSFUL.

Really, when I think about it - his absence seems to go one of two ways. Either the 3 of us really enjoy each other's company, relax and just have a good time together. Just Mom and her boys. Or, it is pure hell. You know, the kind of hell where the kids use their highly honed skills of selective hearing coupled with constant screeching, pestering, and incessant teasing of each other?

The kind of situation where Super Nanny tells you to get down to their level and tell them to stop. And what the consequences will be if they don't. Calmly, of course.

But even that doesn't work because the second you get back up to finish making whatever lame dinner you're throwing together, they start doing it again. And then, you forget all about the great Super Nanny techniques, and start using the Mean Mommy voice. And then, time outs. All the while, dinner is burning, and your head is pounding and what you really want to do is PUT THEM TO BED AND BE DONE WITH IT? Yes? Do you know?

I am not sure why things get this way on certain trips, and not others. I am sure there is some common theme I am missing, like perhaps my very own level of stress at the time. Or maybe it is that Bug likes to talk and be responded to. Constantly. And if you don't respond right away, high pitched screaming is likely to ensue.

While at the same time, Bean is turning 2 (tomorrow!) and doing all the stuff 2 years olds are known for... but to the extreme. Including a red hot temper, and the inability to stop screaming well past any given trauma has passed (said traumas usually involve being told no).

Last night, they were both noticeably tired. So, I did decide an early bedtime would benefit them. And me. After a fast bath, and skipping of the regular book reading altogether (due to the rapid melting down of both of them), and after Bean was bid goodnight in his crib (NOTE: I'm leaving out a bunch of gruesome details here, involving tired kids screeching....)... Bug told me as he lay in bed during cuddle time that he was going to take me to some "house" where there was only paper (?) and leave me there. And get himself a new Mommy. Because I was a Mean Mommy.

And I suppose I was. I am ashamed to say, I lost my temper at some point, and yelled. I told him I was sorry for it. And we had a long talk about poor choices, him for not listening and me for yelling.

WHERE he gets it in his head to take me somewhere and leave me, I don't know. It's not like I've ever threatened to do that to him, and I don't think we've ever read any book where somebody is taken somewhere and left. But that was his plan. Hey - at least wherever I was going, I was going to get paper.

So back to the fact that I yelled at him. I feel awful when I yell. I don't want to be a yelling Mommy. I try to be as calm as I can be in these situations, you know, think zen thoughts. But sometimes, like last night, I just fall off the calm wagon.

So. Today is new, and I am just grateful to have the chance to do better. To make better choices. I love my children fiercely and want only to do right by them.

It helps that FD is coming home today too.