I almost forgot how to log on to blogger...

Where do I even begin? I’ve been absent for so long, it’s a problem. I suppose I should start with the fact that I’ve missed everyone. And that I’m fine.

Merry Christmas to you, a bit late, by the way.

It’s not a conscious decision I made, to just abandon my blog (and all of you other bloggers as well). It just happened. One night led to another night of telling myself: just get a few other things done… or just relax on the couch tonight! And next thing I know, it’s Halloween. And I’ve got nothing. Then, Thanksgiving. Nothing. And now, Christmas just passed. So, lame as it is, I am forcing myself to jump back in, and for the love of God just POST something.

First of all, the obligatory excuses for my long absence. It’s part being extremely busy with my work, and choosing to sacrifice my blog time over family time (duh), exercising (yay!), scrapbooking (I don’t want to hear it), and the ever popular glowing tube in the living room (sad but true). I guess I could actually blame the last part on tivo… there were always just so many good shows to catch up on, so really who could blame me?

Next up... how have things been around here. Well. Good, actually. Bug and Bean still fight like wild animals, but I think I’ve accepted the fact that they probably always will. Accepted, but not thrilled about it. And mostly, I cope with the fighting and teasing, and say mostly the right things. Although every now and then, I put in a good performance for the ‘Suckiest Mommy Ever’ award.

Fire Daddy is still traveling and volunteering like mad, but somehow our lives have adjusted and again… we've accepted. My job is busy, in fact the last week of November I had to make another trip to Guadalajara and to Costa Rica, and this time was actually kind of nice… a little mommy vacation, and no tears on the way to the airport! Yet even with the hecticness at work, I’m satisfied that work is balancing well with home life. In fact, I seem to have gotten past most of the guilt I’ve always harbored for being a working mom, and I cannot tell you what a relief that is. I finally... truly realized that I have it quite good with the flexibility of my job, and that whether we parent’s work or stay at home really matters not in the whole scheme of things.

Our dog died in October, but it’s OK now. There were many tears at first, but she died peacefully and had a good life. We will get another rescue dog in the spring or early summer and in the meantime, we have Cotton and Rosie (the guinea pigs) to keep us busy.

And my mom. Even though I miss her dearly, I’ve been pretty OK through grieving her loss as well. Even through the holidays. I cry, I think about her often, but I'm OK.

Let me stop here now, and explain something else. I’ve been seeing a therapist. Some know her as Dr. Zen, and let me tell you she has made a tremendous impact on my life. She has helped me to let go of guilt, let go of obsessing, and helped me with some coping strategies when it comes to mothering 2 young children. Coping strategies that do not involve yelling and then beating oneself up later on. And she might tell you she thinks I am ready to move on and stop seeing her. And I might tell you that I dread that. Because although I know I’ve nearly reached all my goals with her, I know I will miss that feeling of walking out of her office after an appointment, and feeling like the weight of the world had been lifted off my shoulders.

So. Anyway. One of the things we worked on quite a lot was my tendency to obsess. Not so much in the way of appearances, but rather in my mind turning things over and over and over… never really letting go of something it catches hold of. Did you see that Super Nanny episode where the mom was really obsessive and dressed her daughters to match her, even if they screamed over it? And how she freaked out when one of her kids walked over the freshly vacuumed tracks in the carpet? Well, that’s not me, so don’t worry. My obsessions are usually triggered by something I read or hear and either it is something awful like a child being hurt… or it is something I vehemently disagree with. Each one elicits different responses for me, but either way it is an obsessive response.

In the former case, I cannot stop thinking about the circumstances, and get into a state where I make myself mentally suffer in a twisted way of acknowledging the child’s suffering. My agony will go on for weeks or months, exhausting me and not allowing me to truly enjoy life. It’s like a huge cloud over my head every second of the day.

In the latter case, I cannot stop thinking of responses I’d like to make. Rebuttals… like a letter to our newspaper’s opinion page, for example. And making matters worse is the blogging world, where I can go so far as to leave a comment expressing my response to the things I read…. but only after I’ve obsessed and thought about it… for a very long time. Not until I’ve turned it over and over in my brain, thinking about it non-stop. Again, exhausting and totally unproductive. But something I also felt was necessary, because I think it is important for people to express their dissent. Not to just look away.

So, Dr. Zen helped me to combat these obsessive tendencies, and still acknowledge the children and stand up for my beliefs. So far so good. But then again, I’ve pretty much stayed away from blogging for nearly 3 months, especially the controversial ones. And while I still read the opinion page of our paper every day, I’ve been able to let go of the ones that spark my fire pretty quickly using her techniques.

The mid-term elections didn’t hurt either. To finally feel like I am not ALONE in my response to what is going on today. Because believe me… a few good blogs, a few good friends, Sojourners magazine, and Jon Stewart were about the only things that kept me from believing the whole damned country had gone insane (and that Jesus had been highjacked by a bunch of loonies). Until now.

So, here I am. Thank you to those of you who have emailed to check in on me. You really made me feel special that you cared and took the time to do that. And to those of you who still left comments on old posts looking for me… you didn’t give up on me and that is so cool! And thank you to my friend Sona in India, who even text messaged me on Christmas Eve! You rock. I love your long emails, even if I don’t always have the time to answer back just as long responses.

I’ll be checking in on you fellow bloggers, slowly but surely. I am sure there’s been a baby born, a house renovated, a few good newlywed stories, and more. I can’t wait to find out all your adventures and read your deep, thought-provoking posts.

And you might actually be shocked to hear… now that I’ve dipped my foot into the blog waters, I can’t wait to write more, especially about Bug and Bean. Bug thinks he knows everything, and (still) talks non-stop, a lethal combination. Bean says super cute things like “Fo-yeva” (forever) and copies everything Bug does (a really bad thing as far as Bug is concerned). I need to write about them some more, so I don’t forget, you know?

xo