Tragedy and Forgiveness

I’ve actually been trying to avoid writing about this, because I just wrote about another tragedy involving a child. And I don’t want to be the blogger with all the ‘downer’ stories. But I have to get this out. I swear people, as long as the tragedies will just let up for awhile – oh please let them - I swear I will write some more lighthearted stuff. There is ton’s of it in me, but first this.

Last weekend, a 4 year old boy went missing from his family’s farm, in a place about 45 minutes from where we live. It was Friday night, to be exact. Firedaddy was one of the many volunteers who searched for him the entire weekend. The search was focused mostly in and around the large and slow moving river that the family’s home was located very close to.

Sadly, the little boy was found Sunday afternoon about 4 miles downstream from their home. He had drowned. He had been riding a child-sized 4-wheeler (ATV), which is not uncommon for kids on farms to do, so we are told. Parts of the ATV have been found as well, but not the main part of it.

And his mother had been in the house tending to another child. It was around 7:00 pm, so I speculate she was preparing one or maybe both of his younger siblings for bed. I know he had younger siblings, because the paper printed a picture of all 4 of the kids, sitting on the very ATV he had been riding. There were 3 boys - of which he was obviously the second oldest; and a girl - the youngest. His younger siblings looked to be around the ages of 2.5 and 1 year. His older brother could have been around 6 or 7.

The papers never mentioned where the father, or the older brother, were at the time he disappeared. I speculate that being farmers on a fairly large farm, they were doing whatever farm chores need to be done at the end of the day.

The father mentioned that as a precaution, he had taught the child how to float in the slow moving river, and also how to float on the ATV. We will never know exactly what happened, but this precaution wasn’t enough.

Now here is what I am having a hard time getting my head around. HOW is that poor mother ever going to forgive herself? I have heard many people say things like “a 4 year old should never be left unattended”, or “how could she have been so careless”? And while in general I don’t disagree that we need to be protective of children and keep our guard up, I also think there are circumstances that we as outsiders cannot possibly know. And therefore, it is not our place to put the blame on her, although she likely WILL blame herself the rest of her life.

I only have two children, not four, and still I can sort of understand how it could have happened. She probably wasn’t lucky enough to have the kind of husband who is free to be there, helping get the kids ready for bed, every night. I can attest to the fact that when my own husband is gone at bedtime, for work or for the fire department, it can get overwhelming every once in awhile.

So here is one scenario I could imagine. She was alone, with 3 kids ages 4 and under – and can you imagine how overwhelming that would be, especially if it was on a regular basis? I can. I can envision an independent “I do it myself” 4 year old running out the door while the younger ones are in the tub… and jumping on his beloved ATV.

I can envision her torn between finishing the bath quickly and getting the younger ones in pj’s before retrieving him vs. pulling them out immediately and taking them dripping wet with her to go retrieve him. If he was the type of child who doesn’t listen on a regular basis…you know, the fierce 2nd child so many of us know? And if she was tired and frustrated, you know like the end of a long hard day on the farm with 4 kids? I can see her making the decision that he would be OK for 10 minutes, while she finished up with the other two.

And in so many cases, that would probably be OK. It’s not like they live in a large city. Unfortunately, in the case it wasn’t OK. Rural area or no, the danger was there lurking. For them it was the river.

We will never know exactly how he ended up driving that little ATV into the river. We will never know how quickly he drowned. There are a hundred answers we will never know, and almost as many answers that his parents won’t get either.

But I do know this. Mistakes can happen, even to the little children dearest to us. And sometimes, you just momentarily let your guard down, for various reasons. This especially applies to people with more than one child.

All you can do is hold your loved ones near. Do your very best. Try hard not to let your guard down. If you are overwhelmed, ask for help. And offer forgiveness and understanding to people like this poor mother.

I have prayed for both these parents to find peace and forgiveness, to grieve as they should, and still be there for the other 3 children. To stay together. To see the day when their hearts don't ache every waking moment of the day over the child they lost. And to have the faith and support they need in order to do all of this.