Guilt
Do you ever feel guilt as a parent? Guilt for being short-tempered, guilt for being distracted and not “in the moment”, guilt for doing something for ourselves while the kids are off playing alone?
We parents are human, I know. And let me just say that - for me anyway - having 2 children at ages where they (fight like animals) INTERACT, and (react by hitting, scratching and biting) DON'T YET HAVE PROPER SOCIAL ETIQUETTE is (enough to send me over the edge) REALLY, REALLY HARD. It is a whole new level of hard, after those equally hard (but in such a different way) infant years.
And from time to time, it has brought out my alter-ego - “Mean Mommy”. “Mean Mommy” is the one who yells after the last straw is drawn, and later regrets it with all her heart. I’ve written about this side of me before. I hate this side of me. And I constantly work on this side of me – I read books on sibling rivalry, books on getting your kids to listen, books on setting boundaries and giving consequences. And while I am (constantly teased by friends and relatives for learning how to parent out of a book) GAINING LOT'S OF KNOWLEDGE FROM READING, and on the whole manage well, I continue to struggle from time to time.
Especially when Firedaddy is travelling, which here lately has been a LOT. Don't get me wrong, it is his job, I realize this and I accept it. And I know it isn't easy for him to be away, either. But it still sucks.
So the root of the issue, I’ve finally figured out, is that I lack patience. This is a somewhat new side to me, this patience issue, because pre-kids it wasn’t so evident. I have always been a perfectionist, and somewhat obsessive, but not really impatient. And now it is an issue I lock horns with frequently, in the face of constant sibling and/or boundary testing chaos.
So clearly I have guilt. And while I know that no mommy or daddy is perfect, and that surely we ALL do things as parents that we feel awful about from time to time, and yes at least I am NOT *beating or neglecting* my children – for me there is still guilt. Because I am not the “perfect” parent I would like to be. Because so many things are completely out of my control, and I have a really hard time with that.
I think that perhaps guilt is common for parents to feel, because raising our children is the single most important thing to most parents, and yet it is also the single most CHALLENGING thing to do. And I've even had some confirmation it is common, because Catherine Newman (one of my all time heros!) has written about this in many different Ben & Birdy journal entries, and has clearly touched many other parents in addition to me, as evidenced in the comments section each time she writes something on this topic.
So, here’s the double-whammy. I recently read an article in a magazine by Rosanne Cash, regarding how guilt can hinder parents from “being there” for their kids. Never before did I consider the fact that my guilt was hurting anyone except myself, and deep down inside I figured I deserved THAT. But when I considered that my own guilt could actually be hurting my kids, I realized that this self-deprecation had to end.
So. I will keep working on myself - learning new ways to talk and listen to my kids, learning to always remember to react with deep breaths first ( instead of a loud voice) when the chaos gets out of control, and learning to live more fully in the moment.
But I will also be learning that making the inevitable mistake now and then is not going to ruin my children (in the whole scheme of things). I will work hard to let go of perfection, to ask for forgiveness when I do make mistakes, and just go with the flow.
And how very timely, since FD is once again on a business trip, and "Mean Mommy" made an appearance last night. When "meltdown-prone" 4-year-old boy drew the final straw of a rough afternoon/evening and clubbed 2-year-old brother, who was peacefully playing in the bathtub, over the head with a toy. TWICE.
Sigh.
Peace. Holly. Written on Thursday, November 03, 2005
17 Comments:
Holly, you are such a wonderful mother--it is clear from your posts. And the fact that you are working so hard to improve yourself is just more evidence that those boys are lucky to have you, Mean Mommy and all. I'm sure we all have that Mean Mommy side, but like you said, you have to give yourself a break. No one can be perfectly patient and understanding at every moment, and with a two year old around, it's hard to be patient for more than a few minutes at a time.
I do know exactly what you are saying though--even though I know I will never be a perfect mother, I hate myself for those moments when I'm not. And there are a LOT of those moments.
One of the things Isaac says (too frequently) is: "are you not angry anymore, Mommy?" Ack! Knife to the heart.
I could have written this I so identify with it.
I never had patience issues before kids but now? Lord do I. And I too have issues with perfection and control.
Sometimes I can truly be patient, but sometimes I feel like I'm faking it with my patience. And then sometimes I can fake it no longer! Luckily, that's often at a time when I can pass the baton to my husband and say 'here, you deal.' Or he passes the baton to me... But we only have 1 child. And my husband doesn't have to travel very often.
I don't know much about dealing with sibling rivalry as a parent, but I remember what it was like with my sister & me! (15 months apart in age) We fought like crazy. But now she's the blood-relative that I feel the closest bond with. Our parents yelled at us, and we survived.
I know what you mean -- you feel bad when you don't "do it right" 100% of the time. But how can anyone? Parenting is damn hard work! I agree with Piece of Work -- you're such a good Mommy, Holly. Go easy on yourself! ;-) Hugs.
Don't be so hard on yourself.. be really proud of yourself that you put so much thought into the job you're doing. Seriously - you seem like such a thoughtful, wonderful person.. If you didn't care about these things, that's when you need to worry.
Hugs,
Holli with an "i"
Yes, yes, yes. Patience? For me, it's the thinnest veneer you've ever seen.
If we're honest, we can all say we've been there -- pushed to the wall and responding in a less than calm manner. The fact that you recognize this and have thought about other ways to cope better show that you needn't be guilty at all.
So speaking firmly is your mean mommy mode.
I guess my mean mommy mode is really a REALLY-mean mommy mode then.
No more worrying about mean mommy. She's really not so bad.
I mean, if they are driving you crazy, you can't really be accountable. It's the insanity plea.
You know what else? My own mother had her moments of Mean Mommy, too--and I turned out okay. (stop laughing.)
*snort* What raehan said, especially about "REALLY-mean mommy mode." I have a feeling you're doing great, Holly. It's impossible to stay "in the moment" all the time, although I understand what you mean.
On the subject of mommy moods: When I was in eighth grade or so, I learned the wonders of the snooze alarm. My usually calm mother, after spending about an hour listening to me hit the snooze when she was trying to sleep down the hall, angrily stomped into my room, grabbed the clock, yanked the cord out of the wall, and knocked over a bunch of books and a potted plant in the process, muttering all the while, then stomped back to bed. She hates this story. ;^)
Although moments like that are the exception, not the rule, I've had some moments sorta like that (especially when I'm sleep-deprived, or when I was trying to fix the VCR once - don't get me started). Hopefully, my son will recount them as funny stories later. ;^)
Oh Raehan... no, my "Speaking Firmly Mommy" was the PRE-CURSER to "Mean Mommy". Mean Mommy promptly made an appearance which resulted in some yelling, and a spanked bottom in frustration.
I am not anti-spanking under proper circumstances, but I usually reserve it for when a child is flirting with danger, not listening to me about stopping, and needs to know it is serious. Not for when I am frustrated and angry.
But "Mean Mommy" occasionally spanks in frustration and I hate her for it. "Mean Mommy" has even thrown a toy or two (after they were used as a weapon on sibling), sort of like Becks' story. Shamefulof me . But her words give me hope that these few times, if remembered, can be remembered as funny stories.
I so appreciate everyone's supportive words - every one of them. It helps to know that I am not alone.
My 79 year old CPA reminds me: there are 2 things in life. Those which we can control and those we can't. Ah, so simple but true. I'd suggest a bubble bath and 30 minutes of quiet time. Not even Dr. Phil says that!!! Have a good weekend!!!!
You're not alone Holly, guilt is part of the bundle for all of us as parents. I blame most of my incessant guilt on a nice healthy Catholic school upbringing ;-)
You are a wonderful mother or you would not even be writing this. Don't be so hard on yourself.
It's all about the guilt. That's why our parents try to use it on us so much after we grow up. It's payback. It is hard when one parent is stuck for a long period of time. We totally hand off the problem after we get frustrated. I got really aggrivated one morning recently and started to get grumpy, so my wife stepped in for me. Five minutes later I heard her yell "ENOUGH, STAND UP AND PEE. You got on Daddy's nerves, now you're on mine." It's rare that they actually work their way through both of us, but it happens.
Holly,
Not only am I a mother of a very challenging two year old, I have a 10 year old, and a 20 year old. If I had to pick something in my life I was majorly sorry for it's that I didn't "let go" enough. My 20 year old had to experience his parents being young (21 and 22) when they had him and were nothing but kids themselves. This has been brought to my attention by him so many times that he gives the "guilt" now. But I will say that I have learned this great lesson: the beauty of forgiveness. Kids are the most resilant beings on the face of the earth. And they forgive us, even when we don't ask for it. But I now ask: "Hey, Mommy is sorry she was so mean. Will you forgive me?" And that's truly all they want. The 20 year old tends to use everything from the woman I used to be to make me "pay" for what I "did" to him. But I ask for forgiveness, and let go.
Sweetie, I have seen you with those boys. You are a great mom. Everybody has the down moments. I'm proud of you for going with the letting go.
btw - I was mean mommy last night.. and I feel horrible about it today. :(
so I know how mean mommy holly/holli feels. and it doesn't feel good.
You really need to add a third to the mix. :-) I had no idea that my blood could actually boil. It can. I fundamentally disagree with hitting a child - to me it is confusing them on why they cannot hit - however, I am far from perfect and have absolutely snapped after explaining you cannot hit your brother on the head for no reason .... errr ... at all .... for the third time ... then, I snap.
Oh do we have the help you might like! Aviva and I moms AND we are parenting experts, we co-authored a book called "Mommy Guilt" which is an empowring and encouraging book. Aviva and I felt there were enough books parents open that say "you suck, your technique is wrong, this is better, you made the wrong choices" so we wrote the direct opposite. YOU are the expert, YOU know your kids best and here are some ideas YOU can tweak adjust and test out with yourself and your family. And YES, YOU count too, not just your kids. I promise it will put you in a better mood about your parenting. If not, I will voluntarily put myself in Time Out!
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