The Working Mom’s perspective

Amy at POW recently wrote about her feelings as a stay at home mom (SAHM) when working mom’s make certain comments. Comments such as: “I don’t know how you do it, I need to work or I would lose my mind” or “I’m a much better mom because I work. If I stayed at home, I’d be a total basket case all the time”.

And the truth is, I myself have made comments exactly like these, but not with the intention of making a SAHM feel bad about themselves. In fact, I always thought I was doing the opposite, by pointing out that staying at home with young children is the hardest job I can imagine, and as a working mom I may just have it easier in many ways.

After finding out that these things were not always taken as compliments, Amy’s post got me thinking a lot about it. The whole topic really touched a nerve for me too, except that I am in the other position, the “working mom”.

At first I jumped right to my “usual” line of thinking, that I am a better Mom by working, and I couldn’t hack it staying at home. That I’d be a total shitfest of a Mother because I’m not crafty or patient enough, blah blah blah. Everything that Amy said made her feel like a loser. And after really stopping and thinking about it, I guess I can see why. It is like telling a SAHM that what they do all day is mindless and boring ( I really don’t think this!!)

So I thought about it some more. And upon deeper reflection, I realized that the real reason working mom’s make comments like these is far more complex. I mean, there might be a small piece of truth in it, but if that was ALL there was to it, we wouldn’t feel the need to say it, right? We wouldn’t feel any need whatsoever to justify why we work. And truthfully? I know I COULD hack it as a SAHM, so it is lame of me to say I couldn't.

I guess that there is some level of defense in these comments, because we working mom’s have been judged by a small minority of very vocal SAHM’s time and time again as being “selfish” and that it is “wrong to be allowing somebody else to raise our children”.

It is comments such as these and others, such as: “we are lucky enough to allow Jane to stay at home with the baby” or “we have made sacrifices in order to allow Jane to stay home with the baby” that cause working mom’s to feel judged.

It implies to us, you see, that we are not “lucky” or we are not “willing to make sacrifices”. It implies that we are unlucky and forced into servitude. Or that we are terrible people for choosing servitude; and that our children will surely suffer and turn out all wrong for it.

One of my favorite bloggers, True Jersey Girl, recently went back to work after a long period of time at home with her little girl. The decision for her to go back to work was not an easy one, it was obvious both she and her husband struggled with it, but in the end they determined it was the best thing for their family. When she wrote about it, somebody left an anonymous comment that it was a “selfish decision”. That one comment by some anonymous troll cut her so deep, that she wanted to stop blogging altogether. And I can completely understand that.

Thank God she was convinced by her many good blogging friends to keep at it, and now that she is back to work and her daughter is thriving at the daycare center that they chose, it is so obviously WRONG that somebody would judge a decision like that, without knowing the reasons, all of the factors which were considered. Because unless you know every single factor that went into making a decision, you cannot possibly know what is best for any given family. It really put a spotlight on the nastiness of it all.

So it cuts both ways, see? Working or staying at home, there are mom’s out there who out of some form of insecurity have vocally judged the other camp, and in the end there is a huge unmistakable rift. Nobody can possibly win.

The reality is, that just like every decision that parents must make, there is no “one size fits all” and as T’pon at Prolly All the Time so wisely pointed out not too long ago, as long as our decisions don’t result in any real abuse, IT’S ALL GOOD.

Deviant Woman recently wrote a thought-provoking post about how women judge other women, often based on outward appearances. She discussed it in the context of the book “Goodnight Nobody”, and also in the context of the judging of other mom’s attending playgroups. Indeed, in all areas of life, there are examples of women judging other women who do not conform to their own image of normalcy, or who threaten them in some way.

But it is the judging amongst mothers that frustrates me the most, because no matter what choices we make, we are all universally mom’s and we make our choices with the best interests of our children and family in mind. Sometimes we mom’s even make choices which are the hardest thing for ourselves personally, but are right for the family unit.

The point is, to tell a mother that they are not a “good mother” because of their choices, is the single most hurtful thing a person can say.

Like Deviant Woman, I do not want to hate other women. So for me, the judging of other women’s decisions ends here. We are all women, mom’s or otherwise, and we all need the support of one another.