Happy 4th Birthday Bug!

Bug - 2 weeks

My dear handsome, smart and funny Bug,

Last week you turned 4.

I am still in shock that an entire FOUR years has gone by since you came into this world. How can it be? There were certainly times when I thought time stood still - those difficult days or even weeks… or even phases (teething). But all in all, time went by so quickly. Sometimes wish I could go back to some of those cherished moments with your baby, toddler and early preschool self, and re-live them just for a short time.

But then, I look at you now. Such a big boy, who is so perfectly YOU. A boy whom I adore and cherish, with all of my heart. And I know that it wouldn’t be the same, because I know what a wonderful person you are now, and this is the person I truly want to share my time with.

I remember when you were born, a beautiful baby at 9 lbs. 6 oz. with dark brown hair, blue eyes, and a wise look. People commented that you looked like an “old soul”. You were such a sweet calm baby (except when you had gas… which admittedly did consume us for much of your first 3 months of life). You introduced Daddy and I to parenthood, and put up with our newness and our insecurities. You expanded our hearts beyond what we ever knew possible.

And now, my love, you are FOUR! You are a sweet, kind, inquisitive, bubbly, outgoing, 4-year-old. Your hair is thick and blonde now, your eyes a shade somewhere between green and blue with long, thick lashes that I am envious of. And oh, those beautiful eyes… they have a mischievous twinkle in them, which I cannot even begin to describe.

You are utterly handsome and you make me smile all the time. You are a wonderful big brother, even though you test your boundaries by teasing your little brother. The fact is your true self shines through in the tender moments when you talk about protecting Bean and those times you hug him and play with him and show him new things.

You are beginning to form real friendships, which I am proud and happy about. You had a terrific time at your Pirate birthday party with all your friends who came to celebrate with you. You were so proud to share your toys and to show everyone around your home. But these new friendships also scare me because I still want to protect you from other (inevitable) side of human relationships – the hurt feelings, the prejudices, all the cruel things that people (and especially children) subject each other to. I want to wrap you up and protect you forever, to keep you pure and innocent. But I know I cannot do that. So, instead I will do my very best to prepare you for it. To help solidify the natural senses of generosity, kindness, responsibility and sympathy you already have. To make them permanent and so much a part of your being that, hopefully, they will overshadow whatever peer pressure you will encounter.

Other things about you now… You love animals and constantly play with your zoo set, your forest set, and your small plastic bugs, dinosaurs, and sea creatures. You adore Cassie and I know she adores you the most out of anyone in the family in return, because she gets so much affection from you. You love your two hermit crabs, "Lainey" and "Mr. Crab", although they are admittedly boring, and mostly nocturnal. But you put up with that, because you know that if you are successful with them, you will move on to a guinea pig eventually.

Some days you say you are going to be an animal doctor when you grow up. Other days, a fireman. And still others, a teacher. I hope whatever you do end up doing, you love it, and have a true sense of purpose, and the satisfaction of accomplishment.

You prefer to be outside, digging in the sandbox, riding the battery-powered firetruck, riding on the lawnmower with Daddy, playing at the sand/water table, searching for bugs or toads. And now that you have a big-kid bike, that is your NEW favorite thing to do.

You love to sing and know the words to so many songs. If you aren’t singing, you are constantly humming. Except, of course, when you are talking. I think talking is the thing you do best right now. And clearly, it is the thing you like to do best, at least most of the time. Which is a challenge for Daddy and I, because it is exhausting. And yet we wouldn’t change that about you, not for anything. Certainly your "Nana California" delights in your verbal skills over the phone… especially when you say “I love you Nana”. Sigh.

You are heading toward independence at warp speed. You prefer to do everything for yourself now, including snapping into your booster seat in the car, pouring your own drinks, zipping your own coat, getting your own snacks, and the list goes on and on… I welcome this independence, I really do. Except, of course, when we’re in a hurry. And then you try my patience with your stubbornness and insistence to forge ahead, no matter what.

There are days when I think I must surely be the worst Mommy on earth because I yelled at you or I didn’t listen closely enough to all you said, or I just plain coasted through the day on auto-drive, wishing for bedtime to hurry up and arrive. But then, out of the blue, you come up and hug me and say “You know what Mommy? You are the best Mommy ever”. And then, my love, the world literally stops for me, and I remember how very lucky I am to be your Mommy, even on the hardest of days.

I am far from perfect and I know I always will be. But Bug, I’ve learned so much from you. I’ve learned to slow down, and try harder to be more in the moment. I’ve learned that nothing is more important than NOW, although I do have to remind myself of that more frequently than I care to admit. I’ve learned that not a moment goes by where YOU are not learning, and that the responsibility of that (for me) is enormous. I’ve learned that doing whatever I can to make the world a better place is difficult - but important - for the sake of you and all other children. Motherhood is so different than I ever imagined it would be – so much HARDER. But likewise, so much BETTER.

Thank you Bug, for the happiness, contentment and healing you bring to my life, to all of our lives. You are a blessing and I treasure everything about you.

I love you.

Mommy