How thin is your skin?

Catherine Newman has done it again. Of course, she delivers every week – making me laugh, cry, nod in agreement, and more often than not, all of the above. But this week, one of the things she touched on compelled me to write more on it, because it is so near and dear to my neurotic heart.

By the way, if you’ve never read Catherine’s weekly journal on babycenter.com before and you have kids (or even if you don't, for that matter)… you really should. She has also written a wonderful book, which I treasure and know I will re-read again and again. She is truly a gifted writer, and as a parent she keeps it real... and keeps me sane at times.

The following quote is what hit a nerve for me this week:

"You know how there are things that make you feel bad about yourself — nothing intended to hurt you, just things that you read about, or that other parents happen to mention in passing?"

Oh, yes indeedy… that would be me. Always feeling like other parent's (usually) innocent comments are a diss on me.

I’ve written about this before…how, as a working Mom, I often feel bad when SAHM’s discuss how rewarding staying at home is for them. I don’t seem to be able to interpret their words as a perfectly innocent discussion about how that choice was a good one for them…. without thinking that they must surely be judging me for the choice that I’ve made to work.

And while I know in reality, a very small percentage of Mom’s truly judge their peers for working - or anything else (outside abuse or neglect) - I agonize over it anyway.

There is just something about the role of parenting... that we NEED to get it perfectly right SO BADLY, that we let other's comments get to us. Even when they probably mean nothing. I mean, the stakes are high, right? So we are extra-sensitive. Because it is extremely important that we don’t mess up our kids.

We all know in our heart of hearts that every child, every parent, every family, every situation…. is different. What is good or even realistic for one, may not be for the other.

Take my choice to work, for example. This choice has anything but harmed our family. It works very well for us – we have a wonderful nursery/preschool that our kids love, I have an incredibly flexible employer and (most of the time) I enjoy the work I do, and we have enough extra income to make some other choices we otherwise could not. I have done many things differently post-kids too, like choosing to move down a few rungs on the corporate ladder in order to gain more time for my family. Like making it known I prefer not to travel. Like working strange hours, in order to spend more time with my kids. Basically, by putting family first, over my career. Because my career can wait.

Now, take another family. The choice for that Mom to work may not be the same for them… for any number of different reasons. Therefore, for her to stay at home is the very best thing for them. And why shouldn’t she be able to write about it, without worrying that she might offend people like me (who work) out there?

Or…new topic... why shouldn’t parents who homeschool be able to brag on how well it works for them, without me feeling bad about it, just because I know it won’t be my choice? I don’t think any of the mom’s who write about this intend to make me or anyone feel bad, they just want to put a positive spin on a choice they’ve made in case it helps somebody else struggling with that choice. I’m positively sure that is the intent. And yet, I do feel bad in a way. I feel like I need to justify WHY it is not going to be my choice. I'm pretty sure they aren't looking for me to do that, though.

In practice, it is hard for me to not take a comment on how *rewarding* any particular parenting choice has been for someone as a criticism, when it isn't the exact same choice I've made. I KNOW it is more than likely a criticism only in my own mind, but it stings nonetheless.

These parenting comments sting in so many different areas, too. Breastfeeding, feeding organic or not, schooling, parent's working arrangements, discipline, it just goes on and on. Anywhere a choice is involved, really.

And when I really stop and think about it, in some cases, it’s possible that I’ve made another parent feel bad without intending to – like the fact that I breastfed and enjoyed it, and in making a comment about that, perhaps I made a Mom who chose to (or perhaps had no choice but to) bottle-feed, feel bad. The reality is that I didn’t intend to make anyone feel bad, or to judge…I was just proud that I made the commitment, and was successful.

Or maybe I’ve made another working Mom feel bad in saying how my employer is so flexible, when perhaps hers is not. Or maybe in writing or talking about my pregnancies/the birth of my children, I’ve made a mom who adopted feel bad. Maybe in writing about how our second child came much sooner that we had planned for (read: we got pregnant with such ease…), I made a mom who struggles with infertility feel bad.

The list just goes on and on. So where am I going with this, you ask? Certainly not that we have to speak or write as though we are dodging all these landmines of hurt feelings. And also not that we need to be even more politically correct. No, I am not advocating these things. In fact, I suppose it is just the opposite.

I guess it is just to acknowledge that as parents, we seem to have thinner skin when it comes to our parenting choices, than we do in any other area in life. And maybe just by accepting this and being aware of it, we can all worry less about the comments of others, and start to take them at face value. Be a little less neurotic. Grow thicker skin. And in doing so, maybe we can stop fueling the debates started by the minority who DO intend to judge and hurt other’s feelings, and just ignore them. Maybe they’d just go away then (yeah.. right!)

And really, I just wanted to thank Catherine , and shine a much-deserved spotlight on her, for acknowledging this tendency we parents have – because I worry sometimes it is just me.

It’s so good to know it’s not.